Shockingly Teacher-like Things I have Honest-to-God Said to My Students to my Increasing Horror

1. "[Omri/Tomer/Lior/Liat/Romi/Roni/Roi], what did I just say?

(After inevitable silence or mumble of "I don't know")

Well, the reason you don't know is because you were [talking to your desk partner/taking apart your pen/breaking your eraser into many small eraser nuggets/industriously picking your nose/industriously picking your scab/playing with your webkinz stuffed animal under the desk/ trying to balance your mini hand sanitizer bottle on top of your water bottle] so you need to stop [doing that] and pay attention."

2. "Mouths closed, eyes on me!"

3. "No rocking in your chair!"

4. "Walk, don't run!"

5. "Speak up so the whole class can hear you, please!"

6. "Stop [hitting/kicking/poking/chasing/spitting on/throwing your chocolate milk at] h[im/her]!"

7. "Apologize!" Almost always followed by "Look h[im/her] in the eyes when you say you're sorry!" or "And why are you sorry?"

8. "Is it an emergency, or can you wait to go after class?"

9. "I don't want to [call your mother/tell the principal/take away your recess], but I will if you keep on: [walking out of the classroom in the middle of the lesson/making high-pitched cat noises while I'm writing on the board/ burping repeatedly and on purpose/calling your classmate an [incongruous English-language epithet you've learned from American television whose meaning is a mystery to you such as "fugly," "douchebag," or "shithead"]/purposely pouring water on to your notebook to "see what happens"/taking my tape dispenser and affixing long strips of tape to all of your facial features then getting some tangled in your hair/taking my red whiteboard marker and drawing on your willing desk-partner's arm/texting someone on your phone under your desk (you are in third grade! WHO IN THE WORLD could you possibly be texting?).

and, for some reason, the most horrifying of all,

10. "Use your indoor voice!"